Walmart Shenanigans
Some songs come from heartbreak.
Some come from deep reflection.
And some come from walking into Walmart for three things and realizing you have accidentally entered a completely different dimension.
This is one of those songs.
Walmart Shenanigans is a celebration of that uniquely American adventure where absolutely anything can happen between the automatic doors and the self-checkout.
You have a list.
You have a plan.
You tell yourself you will be in and out in ten minutes.
That was your first mistake.
Because somewhere between groceries and automotive, the mission begins to fall apart.
Maybe somebody is cruising through the store on a mobility scooter with the confidence of a NASCAR driver.
Maybe there is a family reunion taking place directly in the middle of the frozen-food aisle.
Maybe a child is negotiating for candy like an attorney working the biggest case of their career.
And somewhere nearby, an employee is being asked a question that clearly has nothing to do with their department.
Nobody planned any of this.
Yet somehow, everybody understands the assignment.
Then comes the dangerous part.
The wandering.
You only needed toothpaste.
But now you are comparing air fryers.
Looking at fishing gear.
Wondering whether you need a new cooler.
And seriously considering a seasonal decoration you did not know existed five minutes ago.
Somehow the cart keeps getting fuller while the original shopping list remains mysteriously unfinished.
Eventually, you reach self-checkout.
The final boss.
The machine tells you there is an unexpected item in the bagging area.
You disagree.
Strongly.
A light begins flashing.
Somebody has to come approve something.
And suddenly you are defending your grocery purchase like you are appearing before Congress.
That is the spirit behind Walmart Shenanigans.
It is not really making fun of Walmart.
It is laughing at all of us.
Because eventually, everybody has a Walmart story.
A strange encounter.
An impulse purchase.
A parking-lot adventure.
Or a ten-minute shopping trip that somehow consumed an entire afternoon.
So grab a cart with one questionable wheel, keep your receipt handy, and remember why you came in.
If you can.
Walmart Shenanigans
Verse 1
Got a letter in the mail, always a delight,
Walmart’s banned us—it just ain’t right.
They said my husband caused a big ol' scene,
With antics so wild, the cameras caught it clean.
Chorus
Oh, banned from Walmart, we’re barred from the store,
They say we can’t shop there no more.
From the aisles to the carts, he’s caused quite a mess,
My husband’s shenanigans—he’s the king of excess!
Verse 2
June fifteenth, they caught him on cam,
Droppin’ condoms in carts—a bold little scam.
By July, alarm clocks went off in a spree,
Every five minutes, thanks to Mr. Me!
Chorus
Oh, banned from Walmart, what did he do?
All these complaints, but some of them are true.
The man I married is a prankster at heart,
Now we're on Walmart’s do not enter chart!
Verse 3
A trail of tomato juice to the ladies’ room,
He called a fake "Code 3"—and caused some gloom.
Tried to layaway candy, a bag of M&Ms,
This guy’s more trouble than a bull in a pen.
Bridge
Set up a tent, called the kids to play,
Asked for antidepressants while handling AKs.
Cried at the clerk: "Leave me alone!"
Used the cameras to pick his nose—oh, Jerome!
Chorus
Oh, banned from Walmart, no more deals,
No more free samples, it just doesn’t feel real!
From fishing gear to pillows, he had a plan,
Come to find out, he's a Mission Impossible fan.
Verse 4
Hummed that theme while dartin’ ‘round,
Tried on funnels—it’s Madonna in town!
Hid in a rack, yelled, "Pick me, I’m the best!"
That poor Walmart clerk needed a vest.
Bridge
Then came the worst, oh the final blow,
Fitting room cries—“There's no TP, yo!”
They found him laughing, tears in his eyes,
And that, my friend, is our Walmart demise.
Outro
So we're banned from Walmart, no rollback deals,
Life without the rollback blows off some wheels.
But I tell ya one thing, and this I know,
My husband’s a legend—his name's gonna glow!
Fade Out
Oh, banned from Walmart, forever no more,
But it was so worth it—it was far from a bore.