You’re a Big — But You’re Not in This Alone

You’ve completed the application. You’ve gone through the interviews and background checks. You’ve been matched with a Little.

And then somebody essentially says:

“Okay. Go build a relationship.”

Wait.

That's it?

What if he asks me something I don't know how to answer?

What if something serious happens?

What if I say the wrong thing?

What if I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing?

After being a Big for many years, I can tell you something I wish every prospective mentor understood:

You don't have to know everything. And you're not doing this alone.

One of the things I appreciate most about Big Brothers Big Sisters of Tampa Bay is that the organization doesn't simply make a match and disappear.

There is support behind the relationship.

And sometimes knowing when to use that support is one of the most important skills a Big can learn.

You're a Mentor, Not a Magician

When a young person tells you about a problem, the natural instinct for many adults — myself included — is to start fixing it.

We hear the problem and immediately start building the solution.

But I've learned that my Little doesn't always need me to fix something.

Sometimes he just needs me to hear it.

There is enormous value in being the adult who listens without immediately judging, lecturing or solving.

Sometimes the best response isn't an answer.

It's:

Those aren't solutions.

But sometimes they're exactly what a kid needs.

Listen First. Advice Can Wait.

This one took some practice.

As adults, we have decades of experience that our Littles don't have. We can often see a solution before they've even finished describing the problem.

That doesn't necessarily mean they are ready to hear it.

I've learned to give my Little room to talk.

Ask questions.

Let there be silence.

And resist the urge to fill that silence with my own wisdom.

Because sometimes the most important part of a conversation comes after the point when I would normally have started talking.

If I immediately jump in with a solution, I may solve the problem I think he's describing without ever hearing the problem he's actually trying to tell me about.

Listening isn't the thing you do before mentoring.

Listening is mentoring.

Showing Up Matters More Than Having All the Answers

I don't think a great Big has to be fascinating.

You don't need unlimited money.

You don't need elaborate outings every weekend.

You don't need to have lived a perfect life.

And you definitely don't need to have all the answers.

You need to be

If you say you're going to be there, be there.

If you promise to check on something, check on it.

If you tell your Little you'll call, call.

If plans change, communicate.

Those things may sound incredibly ordinary to an adult.

But consistency builds trust.

Every time you follow through, you're quietly reinforcing a message:

You can count on me.

Trust isn't built during one spectacular outing.

It's built through a hundred ordinary moments when you simply did what you said you were going to do.

Eventually, You Learn Their "Normal"

One of the benefits of a long-term match is that you get to know your Little.

You know when he's excited.

You know when he's bored.

You know when he's unusually quiet.

You learn the difference between "I'm fine" and "I'm fine."

And sometimes something just feels different.

Maybe their mood changes.

Maybe they withdraw.

Maybe something they say sticks with you after you've dropped them off.

Maybe you can't even put your finger on exactly what is bothering you.

That's worth paying attention to.

But here's the important part:

You don't have to figure out what to do next by yourself.

Your Match Support Specialist Is Part of Your Match

This is something I think every Big should take advantage of.

Your Match Support Specialist isn't just someone who periodically checks a box to make sure you and your Little are still getting together.

They're a resource.

If something concerns me, I can reach out.

If I'm unsure how to approach a conversation, I can ask.

If something happens in my Little's life and I'm not sure where the boundaries of my role should be, I don't have to guess.

I can call my Match Support Specialist.

Sometimes they'll confirm that I'm handling something appropriately.

Sometimes they'll suggest another approach.

Sometimes they may recognize something that needs additional attention.

And sometimes it simply helps to talk it through with someone who understands mentoring relationships and knows the circumstances surrounding the match.

Asking for help doesn't mean you're failing as a Big.

Knowing when to ask for help is part of being a good Big.

Training, Training, Training

If there is another resource I probably underestimated when I first became a Big, it's training.

Big Brothers Big Sisters of Tampa Bay provides Bigs with opportunities to continue learning, including online and in-person training through its partnership with Frameworks, an organization focused on foundational skills for lifelong success.

And after many years, I still don't consider myself "finished."

Because the kid you're mentoring keeps changing.

The conversations change.

The challenges change.

A conversation with an eight-year-old is very different from a conversation with a twelve-year-old.

Before long, you're talking about middle school, friendships, independence, social media, responsibility, education, careers and eventually adulthood.

Being willing to keep learning makes us better equipped for those conversations.

You don't have to attend every training opportunity and emerge with a psychology degree.

But every useful tool you add to your toolbox gives you one more way to connect when your Little needs you.

Sometimes Support Is Knowing Your Boundaries

Being invested in your Little's life can make this difficult.

You care.

When something is wrong, you want to help.

When they're hurting, you want to make it better.

But being a Big doesn't mean becoming a parent, counselor, social worker, teacher or therapist.

I'm a mentor.

There are things I can help with.

There are things I can listen to.

There are things I can encourage.

And there are situations where the most responsible thing I can do is recognize that something is beyond my role and bring in the people who are trained to help.

That's not stepping away from my Little.

That's standing beside him while making sure the right people are standing there with us.

The Match Is Bigger Than Two People

We call it a "Match," so it's easy to picture two people:

A Big and a Little.

But I've learned there are actually a lot of people standing behind that relationship.

Parents and guardians.

Match Support Specialists.

BBBS staff.

Trainers.

Community partners.

Volunteers.

And an organization with decades of experience helping mentoring relationships succeed.

That's reassuring, because there will be moments when you don't know what to say.

There will be situations you haven't encountered before.

There will be times when you wonder whether you're handling something correctly.

Use the support that's available.

Take the training.

Talk to your Match Support Specialist.

And most importantly, keep showing up.

You Don't Have to Be Perfect. You Have to Be Present.

I've never believed my job as a Big was to have all the answers.

My job is to be another responsible adult in my Little's corner.

To listen.

To encourage.

To challenge him when he needs challenging.

To celebrate him when he deserves celebrating.

To keep my promises.

To recognize when something doesn't seem right.

And to know when I need some help doing those things well.

Maybe that's one of the most comforting things I can tell someone who's considering becoming a Big:

Nobody expects you to be perfect.

You don't have to arrive knowing exactly how to mentor a young person.

There are people who will help you learn.

There are people you can call when you're unsure.

There are resources and training available when you need another tool in your toolbox.

Your Little doesn't need a superhero.

He just needs someone willing to consistently show up.

And when you do need a little help showing up the right way, Big Brothers Big Sisters is there for the Big, too.

#BeBig

Interested in becoming a mentor? Don't let the fear of "not knowing what to do" stop you. You won't have every answer — none of us do. What matters is being willing to listen, learn, ask for help and keep showing up.

#BeBig #MentoringMatters #BigBrothersBigSisters #Respect #Responsibility #Integrity #Grace