When we talk about Big Brothers Big Sisters, we naturally talk about what a mentor can do for a child.
Be consistent. Be present. Listen. Encourage them. Introduce them to new experiences. Help them recognize opportunities they might not see on their own.
All of that is true.
But after ten years of being a Big, I’ve learned there’s another side of mentoring that we probably don’t talk about enough:
What does the Big get out of it?
The short answer?
A lot more than I ever expected. 💚
You Get to See the World Through Younger Eyes
As adults, we’ve gotten pretty good at taking things for granted.
A car is transportation. A bridge is something we drive across. A trip to a museum is an afternoon activity. A baseball game is just another game.
Then you experience those things with a kid.
Suddenly there are questions.
My Little, E, has an engineering mind. He notices things differently than I do. I can look at a Mustang and appreciate the car. He’ll start wondering why Mustangs that look nearly identical can have completely different engine configurations.
And suddenly we’re both learning something.
Mentoring reminds you that curiosity is contagious.
You Get an Excuse to Play Again
Being a Big has given me permission to do things adults sometimes decide we’re too old or too busy to do.
We’ve gone bowling. We’ve visited amusement parks. We’ve attended car shows. We’ve volunteered together. We’ve explored places neither of us had been before.
Some outings have an obvious lesson attached to them.
Others are just fun.
I’ve learned that both matter.
You don’t have to turn every Saturday afternoon into a life lesson. Sometimes the lesson happens while you’re laughing about a terrible bowling score or sitting in traffic on the way home.
Those ordinary moments are where relationships are built.
You Learn to Listen Differently
Adults are great at giving answers.
Mentoring has taught me that sometimes the better thing to do is shut up and listen.
Kids don’t always tell you what’s really going on when you ask the first question.
Sometimes you have to wait.
Sometimes the important conversation happens 20 minutes later.
Sometimes it happens in the passenger seat when you’re almost home.
I’ve learned not to fill every silence.
That’s a lesson that has made me better far beyond my relationship with my Little.
You Learn That Influence Isn’t Control
One of my goals as a Big has always been to reinforce four values that I raised my own children with:
But mentoring isn’t parenting.
I can’t simply tell my Little who he should become.
I can demonstrate those values. I can talk about them. I can challenge him. I can ask questions. I can point out opportunities.
Then I have to give him room to make his own decisions.
That’s the hard part.
It’s also the rewarding part.
Because eventually you see one of those values appear in the real world when you didn’t ask for it.
And that’s when you realize:
💚 He wasn’t just hearing you. He was listening. 💚
Sometimes Your Little Teaches You
Recently, Little E won a brand-new 70-inch television at a car show.
For a 12-year-old, that’s a pretty spectacular prize.
His family had recently moved, however, and money was tight. Internet service was becoming a concern just as school was beginning.
Little E decided he wanted to sell the television and use the money to help his family.
Friends heard what happened and stepped up. Enough money was raised to take care of the internet situation without selling the TV.
I went back to him thinking I had wonderful news.
He still wanted to sell it.
He wanted the money put into savings so his mom would have something available for the next emergency.
That’s when the mentor became the student.
There they were.
I didn’t have to point them out.
A 12-year-old showed them to me.
You Get to Watch Someone Become Someone
This may be my favorite part of mentoring. 💚
When you’re matched with a Little for several years, you don’t just watch them get taller.
You watch their personality develop.
Their interests change.
Their confidence grows.
Their opinions become stronger.
They begin thinking about what they might want to do with their lives.
Little E has started talking about becoming an engineer. So now our conversations are beginning to change.
School isn’t simply something he has to get through.
Math isn’t just another class.
Science isn’t just another grade.
Those things can become part of a blueprint for something he wants.
I get the privilege of standing beside him while he begins figuring that out.
That’s pretty special. 💚
You Become Accountable, Too
Being someone’s mentor makes you examine your own behavior.
If I’m going to talk about responsibility, I need to demonstrate responsibility.
If I’m going to expect respect, I need to show respect.
If I talk about integrity, he’d better see integrity in me.
And if I’m going to teach grace, there will be plenty of occasions when I need to practice it myself.
Kids are remarkably good at detecting hypocrisy.
Being a Big has made me more conscious of the example I’m setting, not just for my Little, but for everyone around me.
You Get Another Kind of Family
A match isn’t about replacing anyone.
I’m not Little E’s father.
He has a mother and a family who love him.
My role is different.
I’m simply another adult in his corner.
Another person who shows up.
Another person who asks how school is going.
Another person who celebrates the wins and helps put the disappointments into perspective.
Another person who can say:
There is something incredibly meaningful about earning that place in a young person’s life.
You Get Memories You Never Would Have Had
Ten years of mentoring has given me stories I wouldn’t have otherwise.
Some are hilarious.
Some are frustrating.
Some make me incredibly proud.
Some probably seemed completely insignificant when they happened.
But together, they tell the story of relationships built one outing, one conversation, one meal and one car ride at a time.
That’s something you can’t buy.
And Eventually You Understand the Secret
People sometimes talk about mentoring as though a generous adult decides to give some of their time to help a child.
That’s certainly part of it.
But it makes the relationship sound awfully one-sided.
It isn’t.
I’ve given my Littles time, experiences, advice, encouragement and probably more lectures than either of them would care to count.
They’ve given me something too.
They’ve challenged me.
They’ve surprised me. They’ve made me laugh.
They’ve made me think.
They’ve given me reasons to be proud.
And they’ve reminded me that making a difference in someone’s life doesn’t always require some enormous gesture.
Sometimes it just requires showing up again next Saturday.
So, What Does a Big Get?
You might start because you want to change a child’s life.
Then one day you realize that somewhere along the way, that kid changed yours too.
That’s what a Big gets.
And after ten years, I still think I got the better end of the deal. 💚
What is Big Brothers Big Sisters?
Big Brothers Big Sisters is a mentoring organization that matches caring adult volunteers, called “Bigs,” with young people, or “Littles,” to build supportive one-to-one relationships that can help kids grow in confidence, character and opportunity. If you’d like to learn more about becoming a Big, supporting the program, or getting a young person involved, visit GoBigTampaBay.org.